10 long weeks

I want to go ahead and acknowledge the randomness & scatter-brained blog below...I think my heart is just a little vulnerable and raw tonight, which equals randomness ;)

I am one of those girls that tends to cement important dates or events in my mind.  Whatever the memory is I somehow keep these details locked up in a filing type of system in my brain.  Usually, to have those types of memories locked up hasn't proven to be the best for me because Satan uses those to either bring me down or make me feel bad about myself.  (I'm trying more recently to BE PRESENT and a byproduct of that...I hope...is to start having more happy memories in those filing cabinets that will outnumber the yuck memories.)  At any rate, one of those memories is that 10 weeks ago I had a crushing blow.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can read more here.  I messed up.  I hit a real low in my personal, spiritual & emotional life 10 weeks ago that impacted many people, including one of my best friends.  It has been the hardest 10 weeks...70 days...that I have probably been through since becoming a Christian over 15 years ago when I realized the weight of my sin.

I have been so broken over how much I've hurt people in my life that I love.  I know that I'm a work in progress, but most days to be honest that doesn't really help much when I'm hurting so very bad.  When all I want is to have a friendship back that I hurt by being this way.  Most days I don't know what I'm doing.  Most days I am flailing and feeling so raw & vulnerable.  During this time hasn't been all hard as the Lord is working on my heart & my hurts.  He has been showing me new ways to love & be loved.  New ways to embrace the good around me.  Unfortunately, change takes time and these things in my life take A LOT of change as Jesus is picking up my broken pieces.

Just the reality of it being 10 weeks since I've really had a good heart to heart with one of my best friends.  10 weeks since I've felt like my life was normal...but maybe it wasn't normal.  I don't know.  10 weeks where most honestly it has felt like I've been walking through the deepest/loneliest valley I've ever known.  I still don't know most days how to process what I'm feeling, learning or thinking, but I know that the Lord has a great plan for all that I'm going through.  He is in control and I trust Him.  I just want to be faithful to the One that is holding me together.

~Jenga

Extrovert living in an introvert's body

The older I get the more I realize just how much of an extrovert I truly am.  I would say that I am 75% extrovert and 25% introvert.  Is it possible to think of it in percentages?  Ha ha!  I love being with people, having deep conversations, listening to stories & laughing, connecting with friends, etc.  Because I live alone I think that I get PLENTY of time by myself ;)  (Confession: I end up going to Target just to be with people...lame...but true.)

With it being Memorial Day weekend and because my friends are either already busy with plans or out of town I decided to go alone to the falls up near Multnomah Falls.  I absolutely love the falls. I love how connected to God it makes me feel.  There is just something spectacular about seeing that kind of beauty up close.  The rush of the water over the ledge; the enormous rocks that have been beaten up over time because of the water, but continue to remain faithful to being a part of the beauty.  It was breath-taking.  At first it was hard being there alone, but quickly God allowed me to be thankful for where I was and what He wanted just He and I to experience together.  I even got to have a nice conversation with a sweet couple visiting from England, which was just what I needed to not feel so alone.  He provides in ways that we don't even realize we need, until we reflect on our days.

I never want to take God's creation for granted.  Today is one of those days where I am made speechless by it and enjoyed soaking up the sheer awesomeness, even if I was by myself :)  May each of us remember that God uses things in our lives that draws our heart closer to His and He just wants to be WITH us...abide with Him.

~Jenga

Here are some pics I took:

View from Vista House

Waterfall through the trees

Beautiful bridge over the water

Water flowing at Bridal Veil

Bridal Veil Falls...one of my faves :)

The importance of being grateful

Many times throughout my life I've been told to be grateful for whatever I have.  To appreciate the moment or people around you that you are with.  For too long I've taken people, experiences, and I guess life for granted.  I've not been fully appreciative of the moment and therefore, have missed out on some of the joys of being present.  I think about trips I've been on or times out with friends where I am not present because I dread it ending instead of living in and enjoying the present.  Oh how I wish I could go back, but with this type of revelation comes the knowledge that the journey continues as I learn & I can make conscious changes to be present..

For the past couple of years I've tried to listen to the Holy Spirit's direction on what word he would want me to live by for the year.  This year the word(s) "be present" are what I've tried to live by.  To be honest...I haven't done a great job.  I'm sure my friends can attest to the fact that I haven't been the best active listener or made the most effort to actually be present.  Knowing this about myself, I've definitely tried to be present.  To be all in for whatever event or person that I am spending time with.  I feel like the more grateful I am for what I'm doing or who I'm with, the more present I will be or want to be.

I'm certainly not saying I have this all figured out, but it is something else new that I have discovered about myself these past couple of months.  Take moments today to be grateful.  Whether you are grateful for your health, a moment, spending time with friends or family, or anything else that makes your heart smile.  Be present in all the moments.  You will quickly see how much you have to be grateful for.  Things I'm grateful for: yummy food :), roof over my head, friends that love me, family that supports me from far away, daisies, sun, blue skies, my best friends and so much more.  What about you?  What are you grateful for?

~Jenga

Trust without borders

In a post not too long ago I mentioned how I connect through worship.  It literally has become my heart's cry to know Jesus more through worship.  One of my favorite songs is Oceans by Hillsong United.  You may be familiar with it.  I first heard it at a Hillsong concert in Portland last year that I went to with my good friend, KaoXu.  When I went, I had no idea what to expect because I had never been to one of their concerts, but I was familiar with Compassion International and so KaoXu was going to volunteer to pass out packets, so I decided to volunteer as well.  Little did I know that I would be so deeply moved by a song.  Here are just a couple lines from the song:

So I will call upon Your name

And Keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

When I heard this song, I just literally felt a moving in my soul and heart that knew I would never be the same because of what the Lord would do through this song in my life.  Little did I know that just a couple months later the Lord would call me to trust Him in a way I'd never done before, to let my soul...my whole being...rest in HIS embrace.  There are not enough words to express and explain what that has felt like.  I pray that as Jesus continues to restore my soul & put the pieces back together that I won't forget to trust Him without borders and to know that He loves this sinner.  I'm sure that everyone has heard this song by now, but just in case you haven't or want to hear it again I've put it below.  If you do watch/listen to it, hear the Savior's call for you to trust Him, to hold His hand and know that he will hold you and guide you on this crazy journey we are all walking with Him.

~Jenga

"Don't be so hard on yourself..."

Have you ever been going through a challenging day and God uses someone or something to point you straight to Him?  I had one of those moments today.  It was a very hard day.  I struggled a lot with many tears, pain and other things that have come as a result of sin that I talked about in this previous post.  As I was in the middle of the struggle, I felt like God wanted me to read Jesus Calling for today.  I don't read Jesus Calling every day, but when I felt like the Holy Spirit wants me to do something I knew I needed to do it.  I wanted to write it out for you today.  You may be struggling with mistakes that you have made in your past and beating yourself up over them.  I know I do that, but I hope that this is an encouragement for you...one that I'm sure I will have to keep coming back to.

May 9th...Jesus Calling--Don't be so hard on yourself.  I can bring good even out of your mistakes.  Your finite mind tends to look backward, longing to undo decisions you have come to regret.  This is a waste of time and energy, leading only to frustration.  Instead of floundering in the past, release your mistakes to Me.  Look to Me in trust, anticipating that My infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design.  Because you are human, you will continue to make mistakes.  Thinking that you should live an error-free life is symptomatic of pride.  Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in their weaknesses.  Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me.  I am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes.  Trust Me, and watch to see what I will do. (Romans 8:28; Micah 7:7)

Jesus CAN and WILL bring good out of my mistakes.  I have to trust that my failings and the things I'm going through can give me empathy for other people in their weaknesses, which I can attest to...it totally has.  I have so much to learn...but I have to remember to not be so hard on myself.

Giving up on being perfect

All my life I've been the kid who has always striven for being perfect.  I am the first born and carried the responsibility of pleasing my parents all the way into adulthood.  In school, I worked hard to get the best grades so that my parents would think I was perfect.  I would literally get so worked up about schoolwork or tests and the need to be perfect that I would make myself sick.  For too long in my life, I tried to be perfect and make the appearance that everything was ok because that is what we tell ourselves, right?  In order to be accepted by others we have to talk perfect, look perfect, and for sure don't let others see our sin because then they would know we aren't perfect.

Well, I've decided that trying to be perfect is not attainable anymore for me.  I can't keep striving to be something I'm not meant to be.  I want to be comfortable in my imperfections.  I want to be comfortable with the fact that sometimes I talk too fast to the point that others don't understand my words.  I want to be comfortable with the fact that I screw up and if someone knows that...it's ok.  It isn't easy for me to come to terms with the fact that I'm not perfect.  I know it is something that I will battle for a long time, but I've learned in the past few weeks that part of the healing process is learning to be ok with me.

I feel like the more that I trust in Jesus, the more I become ok with the fact that I'm not perfect.  I've learned that He loves me despite my imperfections and that it is ok for other people to know that I am not perfect.  Please know that this is a process that I am/will fail on, but I am working on changing this in my life.  I want to be ok with the imperfect person that I am...because Jesus loves me.

Does anyone else feel like they are having to be perfect?  How did you change that striving in you?

~Jenga

Words

A few years ago I was in the car with my old roomies driving back from Florida and heard "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North.  I remember hearing the words and knowing that my heart connected with the song.  Most of life I've connected deeply through music and in the past few years I've really started to pay more attention to the words in the songs.  If you've never heard this song before, please take a few minutes and listen to them.  They are powerful.

As this song has come back to mind over and again, I love the line in this song: "When you come to where you are broken within The light meets the dark".  This one line couldn't be more true to where I've been.  I was and am still so broken, but I've noticed that when I've been in those dark moments, the light from Jesus really does shine down through music, His word, journaling or other people.  We have such a great responsibility as believers and people that want to love on others with our words and actions.

Words have the ability to give life or death to people.  I've learned in the past few weeks just how much my words mean and impact those around me.  As I continue to walk this road of healing & restoration, I'm trying to be more observant of my words and how they come across to others.  I never intentionally want my words to cause someone else pain or hurt.  I've seen what that causes and it is a deep deep sadness & pain.

As I continue to grow in my knowledge of Jesus, I'm trusting Him to make my heart sensitive to Him and the more time I spend with Him, I'm convinced the more He will spill out of me through my words and life.  May this broken vessel be used by Jesus.

~Jenga

Vulnerability

What does the word vulnerability or to be vulnerable mean to you?  Just the word used to stir unrest and fear in my heart.  I would shutter (& still do some times) at the thought of being honest & real with people.  My introverted personality wants to run and hide.  And trust me...I've done that more times than I'd like to admit.  As my eyes and heart have been opened to sin in my life, I've been reading and discussing things from my life that will help me process all these issues with friends & others.  One of those things being what does it look like to be vulnerable...for me to be vulnerable.  In her book, Daring Greatly, author Brené Brown, defines vulnerability "as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure".  If we are really honest that definition is so true.  I've always felt so vulnerable sharing a part of my heart/life and being uncertain how it will be received.  There is great risk in sharing a part of you that either may not be understood or accepted by the one you are sharing it with.  And that exposes you to hurt, but it also opens up your heart for that person to love you even more.  To show you grace when you may not show yourself grace.  To love you for you.  To be known and to be loved is one of those places that gives great comfort & safety.

The more that I digest what it looks like for me to be vulnerable, I think the word that goes hand in hand is courage or bravery.  When someone is vulnerable with you and shares something about themselves or is just being honest (which is a part of learning to be vulnerable), they are being brave by offering up a part of themselves to you.  As I walk this road and learn to be more vulnerable with those around me, may I remember to show love, grace & mercy as people are opening themselves up to me just as I am doing with them, because I know how much courage that takes.  This is done by being a good listener, by showing care & being a safe place for your friend, co-worker, family member...whoever to share and be vulnerable with their heart.

So...what does the word vulnerability or to be vulnerable mean to you?

~Jenga

Grace...what a word!

As I've been processing through the sin that was pointed out to me and that I talked about in my last post,  I am quickly learning that I do not give myself grace.  A lot of the times I do not know if I feel worthy of giving myself grace when I screw up, but I always try and give other people grace or forgiveness when I have been wronged.  I definitely am not perfect at this all the time.  But I do acknowledge that I do not give myself grace or forgive myself as quickly.  Why do we as the human race hold our sins over us?

We all know that Christ died for each and every one of our sins.  It doesn't give us the green light to constantly sin, but to know that when we do sin He has borne that sin upon him.  He carries that weight for us.

As I wrestle through and dig deep through trying to figure out how to be better at giving myself grace & forgiveness especially in light of my shortcomings, I think it will come from a overflow of my acknowledging what Jesus did for me on the cross and how much He loves me...you...us.  I love this verse...

"For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Cor. 5:21

Don't you just love that it starts out...for our sake?  He sent His son who was the spotless lamb to be sin so that we as flawed humans like me could be right with God.  I need to learn to forgive more often and give grace to not only others in a bigger way, but to myself too.

~Jenga

Life is Messy...mine included

Something I love to do is talk and write through things in my life to help me process.  Just ask my friends ;) Recently, I've been inspired to pick up blogging again thanks to my good friend, Steve & his blog, as he has picked it up again recently.  Over the past 3 weeks my life has been messy.  The brutiful (beautiful & brutal all in one) kind of messy. The kind of messy that is at times crushing and other times rejoicing.  The kind of messy that leaves you wanting to cry your eyes out and say some choice words.  Forgive me as I unpack this some, because I am still in the middle of figuring all of this out.  When I say the word messy sometimes I don't know if that is a descriptive enough word.  I have been through some of the hardest hours/days/nights/weeks over the past few weeks.  The absolute hardest.

A sin was pointed out in my life by one of my very best friends that I love and admire that I know had been mentioned to me before, but I didn't really hear it or grasp that sin and the depths of the hurt that it caused.  It was told to me that I am passive aggressive in my life.  Just putting that out there for the "whoever will read this" is scary.  The thought that I am being this vulnerable with something so deep is scary.  Terrifying.  So, what does passive aggressive look like in my life?  It looks like the way that I respond to people can include ignoring someone, being abrupt with how I respond, showing resistance, saying "it's ok" or "I'm ok" when I'm really not, not being honest with others about how I feel...you name it I'm sure I've done it.  When I finally took the time to look at what it means to be passive aggressive I wanted to cry because I realized just how poisonous my behavior and sin was in my life.  It actually made me sick to read about it.

I truly don't know where this behavior came from in my life, but something that I have discovered through being more self-aware is that it comes from a place of fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted/loved, fear of missing out, etc.  I would believe the lies that Satan was telling me and therefore, that would translate into me being very passive aggressive towards those I loved and worked closest with.

I can honestly say that I have not been this broken over a sin in my 15 years of being a Christian.  As a result of this sin, I was so far from God.  Thinking that I could do this life on my own.  Ha...was I wrong or what?!?!  One of the verses that has been a source of encouragement during this time is from Exodus 14:14 and it says, "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".  I feel like through this revelation I have been still more than I have been in my life.  I am like a broken clay pot, waiting for the Potter to mold me and put my pieces back together in a way that reflects Him.

The Lord really does love those He disciplines.  It sounds crazy, I know, but it's true.  He cares so much for us that he breaks us and then puts us back together to reflect His love.  Some of the great things that have come about by me acknowledging this in my life is that I'm learning to be real & vulnerable with those around me.  I'm learning what it looks like to be joyful in all circumstances.  I'm learning to fall in love with Jesus again.  

Another thing I'm learning is that I was in desperate need for Jesus.  I'm spending more time with Him in worship, prayer, studying His word and journaling then I have in years and it is like a water running through my life.  I don't want it to stop.  I never want to go back to how I was.  I trust that God is working through me and in me...I will continue to walk this road with Him.  In Isaiah 53:4a it says, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows".  Jesus is carrying us through all of our lives.  He shoulders our griefs and took the weight of them off of us and onto Himself.  What a huge thing to try and grasp.  Jesus is healing me through this process.  It is not fast or painless, but He is faithful.  He cares about us---inside and out, good and bad, happy and sad.  He cares.  I love this line from my devotion about this verse..."He went to the cross carrying our griefs and sorrows in order to be able to support us, strengthen us, help us and heal us.  Allow Him to today."  Amen.

~Jenga