Vulnerability

What does the word vulnerability or to be vulnerable mean to you?  Just the word used to stir unrest and fear in my heart.  I would shutter (& still do some times) at the thought of being honest & real with people.  My introverted personality wants to run and hide.  And trust me...I've done that more times than I'd like to admit.  As my eyes and heart have been opened to sin in my life, I've been reading and discussing things from my life that will help me process all these issues with friends & others.  One of those things being what does it look like to be vulnerable...for me to be vulnerable.  In her book, Daring Greatly, author Brené Brown, defines vulnerability "as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure".  If we are really honest that definition is so true.  I've always felt so vulnerable sharing a part of my heart/life and being uncertain how it will be received.  There is great risk in sharing a part of you that either may not be understood or accepted by the one you are sharing it with.  And that exposes you to hurt, but it also opens up your heart for that person to love you even more.  To show you grace when you may not show yourself grace.  To love you for you.  To be known and to be loved is one of those places that gives great comfort & safety.

The more that I digest what it looks like for me to be vulnerable, I think the word that goes hand in hand is courage or bravery.  When someone is vulnerable with you and shares something about themselves or is just being honest (which is a part of learning to be vulnerable), they are being brave by offering up a part of themselves to you.  As I walk this road and learn to be more vulnerable with those around me, may I remember to show love, grace & mercy as people are opening themselves up to me just as I am doing with them, because I know how much courage that takes.  This is done by being a good listener, by showing care & being a safe place for your friend, co-worker, family member...whoever to share and be vulnerable with their heart.

So...what does the word vulnerability or to be vulnerable mean to you?

~Jenga

Grace...what a word!

As I've been processing through the sin that was pointed out to me and that I talked about in my last post,  I am quickly learning that I do not give myself grace.  A lot of the times I do not know if I feel worthy of giving myself grace when I screw up, but I always try and give other people grace or forgiveness when I have been wronged.  I definitely am not perfect at this all the time.  But I do acknowledge that I do not give myself grace or forgive myself as quickly.  Why do we as the human race hold our sins over us?

We all know that Christ died for each and every one of our sins.  It doesn't give us the green light to constantly sin, but to know that when we do sin He has borne that sin upon him.  He carries that weight for us.

As I wrestle through and dig deep through trying to figure out how to be better at giving myself grace & forgiveness especially in light of my shortcomings, I think it will come from a overflow of my acknowledging what Jesus did for me on the cross and how much He loves me...you...us.  I love this verse...

"For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Cor. 5:21

Don't you just love that it starts out...for our sake?  He sent His son who was the spotless lamb to be sin so that we as flawed humans like me could be right with God.  I need to learn to forgive more often and give grace to not only others in a bigger way, but to myself too.

~Jenga

Life is Messy...mine included

Something I love to do is talk and write through things in my life to help me process.  Just ask my friends ;) Recently, I've been inspired to pick up blogging again thanks to my good friend, Steve & his blog, as he has picked it up again recently.  Over the past 3 weeks my life has been messy.  The brutiful (beautiful & brutal all in one) kind of messy. The kind of messy that is at times crushing and other times rejoicing.  The kind of messy that leaves you wanting to cry your eyes out and say some choice words.  Forgive me as I unpack this some, because I am still in the middle of figuring all of this out.  When I say the word messy sometimes I don't know if that is a descriptive enough word.  I have been through some of the hardest hours/days/nights/weeks over the past few weeks.  The absolute hardest.

A sin was pointed out in my life by one of my very best friends that I love and admire that I know had been mentioned to me before, but I didn't really hear it or grasp that sin and the depths of the hurt that it caused.  It was told to me that I am passive aggressive in my life.  Just putting that out there for the "whoever will read this" is scary.  The thought that I am being this vulnerable with something so deep is scary.  Terrifying.  So, what does passive aggressive look like in my life?  It looks like the way that I respond to people can include ignoring someone, being abrupt with how I respond, showing resistance, saying "it's ok" or "I'm ok" when I'm really not, not being honest with others about how I feel...you name it I'm sure I've done it.  When I finally took the time to look at what it means to be passive aggressive I wanted to cry because I realized just how poisonous my behavior and sin was in my life.  It actually made me sick to read about it.

I truly don't know where this behavior came from in my life, but something that I have discovered through being more self-aware is that it comes from a place of fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted/loved, fear of missing out, etc.  I would believe the lies that Satan was telling me and therefore, that would translate into me being very passive aggressive towards those I loved and worked closest with.

I can honestly say that I have not been this broken over a sin in my 15 years of being a Christian.  As a result of this sin, I was so far from God.  Thinking that I could do this life on my own.  Ha...was I wrong or what?!?!  One of the verses that has been a source of encouragement during this time is from Exodus 14:14 and it says, "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".  I feel like through this revelation I have been still more than I have been in my life.  I am like a broken clay pot, waiting for the Potter to mold me and put my pieces back together in a way that reflects Him.

The Lord really does love those He disciplines.  It sounds crazy, I know, but it's true.  He cares so much for us that he breaks us and then puts us back together to reflect His love.  Some of the great things that have come about by me acknowledging this in my life is that I'm learning to be real & vulnerable with those around me.  I'm learning what it looks like to be joyful in all circumstances.  I'm learning to fall in love with Jesus again.  

Another thing I'm learning is that I was in desperate need for Jesus.  I'm spending more time with Him in worship, prayer, studying His word and journaling then I have in years and it is like a water running through my life.  I don't want it to stop.  I never want to go back to how I was.  I trust that God is working through me and in me...I will continue to walk this road with Him.  In Isaiah 53:4a it says, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows".  Jesus is carrying us through all of our lives.  He shoulders our griefs and took the weight of them off of us and onto Himself.  What a huge thing to try and grasp.  Jesus is healing me through this process.  It is not fast or painless, but He is faithful.  He cares about us---inside and out, good and bad, happy and sad.  He cares.  I love this line from my devotion about this verse..."He went to the cross carrying our griefs and sorrows in order to be able to support us, strengthen us, help us and heal us.  Allow Him to today."  Amen.

~Jenga