10 long weeks

I want to go ahead and acknowledge the randomness & scatter-brained blog below...I think my heart is just a little vulnerable and raw tonight, which equals randomness ;)

I am one of those girls that tends to cement important dates or events in my mind.  Whatever the memory is I somehow keep these details locked up in a filing type of system in my brain.  Usually, to have those types of memories locked up hasn't proven to be the best for me because Satan uses those to either bring me down or make me feel bad about myself.  (I'm trying more recently to BE PRESENT and a byproduct of that...I hope...is to start having more happy memories in those filing cabinets that will outnumber the yuck memories.)  At any rate, one of those memories is that 10 weeks ago I had a crushing blow.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can read more here.  I messed up.  I hit a real low in my personal, spiritual & emotional life 10 weeks ago that impacted many people, including one of my best friends.  It has been the hardest 10 weeks...70 days...that I have probably been through since becoming a Christian over 15 years ago when I realized the weight of my sin.

I have been so broken over how much I've hurt people in my life that I love.  I know that I'm a work in progress, but most days to be honest that doesn't really help much when I'm hurting so very bad.  When all I want is to have a friendship back that I hurt by being this way.  Most days I don't know what I'm doing.  Most days I am flailing and feeling so raw & vulnerable.  During this time hasn't been all hard as the Lord is working on my heart & my hurts.  He has been showing me new ways to love & be loved.  New ways to embrace the good around me.  Unfortunately, change takes time and these things in my life take A LOT of change as Jesus is picking up my broken pieces.

Just the reality of it being 10 weeks since I've really had a good heart to heart with one of my best friends.  10 weeks since I've felt like my life was normal...but maybe it wasn't normal.  I don't know.  10 weeks where most honestly it has felt like I've been walking through the deepest/loneliest valley I've ever known.  I still don't know most days how to process what I'm feeling, learning or thinking, but I know that the Lord has a great plan for all that I'm going through.  He is in control and I trust Him.  I just want to be faithful to the One that is holding me together.

~Jenga

Life is Messy...mine included

Something I love to do is talk and write through things in my life to help me process.  Just ask my friends ;) Recently, I've been inspired to pick up blogging again thanks to my good friend, Steve & his blog, as he has picked it up again recently.  Over the past 3 weeks my life has been messy.  The brutiful (beautiful & brutal all in one) kind of messy. The kind of messy that is at times crushing and other times rejoicing.  The kind of messy that leaves you wanting to cry your eyes out and say some choice words.  Forgive me as I unpack this some, because I am still in the middle of figuring all of this out.  When I say the word messy sometimes I don't know if that is a descriptive enough word.  I have been through some of the hardest hours/days/nights/weeks over the past few weeks.  The absolute hardest.

A sin was pointed out in my life by one of my very best friends that I love and admire that I know had been mentioned to me before, but I didn't really hear it or grasp that sin and the depths of the hurt that it caused.  It was told to me that I am passive aggressive in my life.  Just putting that out there for the "whoever will read this" is scary.  The thought that I am being this vulnerable with something so deep is scary.  Terrifying.  So, what does passive aggressive look like in my life?  It looks like the way that I respond to people can include ignoring someone, being abrupt with how I respond, showing resistance, saying "it's ok" or "I'm ok" when I'm really not, not being honest with others about how I feel...you name it I'm sure I've done it.  When I finally took the time to look at what it means to be passive aggressive I wanted to cry because I realized just how poisonous my behavior and sin was in my life.  It actually made me sick to read about it.

I truly don't know where this behavior came from in my life, but something that I have discovered through being more self-aware is that it comes from a place of fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted/loved, fear of missing out, etc.  I would believe the lies that Satan was telling me and therefore, that would translate into me being very passive aggressive towards those I loved and worked closest with.

I can honestly say that I have not been this broken over a sin in my 15 years of being a Christian.  As a result of this sin, I was so far from God.  Thinking that I could do this life on my own.  Ha...was I wrong or what?!?!  One of the verses that has been a source of encouragement during this time is from Exodus 14:14 and it says, "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".  I feel like through this revelation I have been still more than I have been in my life.  I am like a broken clay pot, waiting for the Potter to mold me and put my pieces back together in a way that reflects Him.

The Lord really does love those He disciplines.  It sounds crazy, I know, but it's true.  He cares so much for us that he breaks us and then puts us back together to reflect His love.  Some of the great things that have come about by me acknowledging this in my life is that I'm learning to be real & vulnerable with those around me.  I'm learning what it looks like to be joyful in all circumstances.  I'm learning to fall in love with Jesus again.  

Another thing I'm learning is that I was in desperate need for Jesus.  I'm spending more time with Him in worship, prayer, studying His word and journaling then I have in years and it is like a water running through my life.  I don't want it to stop.  I never want to go back to how I was.  I trust that God is working through me and in me...I will continue to walk this road with Him.  In Isaiah 53:4a it says, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows".  Jesus is carrying us through all of our lives.  He shoulders our griefs and took the weight of them off of us and onto Himself.  What a huge thing to try and grasp.  Jesus is healing me through this process.  It is not fast or painless, but He is faithful.  He cares about us---inside and out, good and bad, happy and sad.  He cares.  I love this line from my devotion about this verse..."He went to the cross carrying our griefs and sorrows in order to be able to support us, strengthen us, help us and heal us.  Allow Him to today."  Amen.

~Jenga

More like family than friends...

Just the word vacation draws up so many emotions in each of us.  Many of us have happy memories, laughs with friends, long nights spent soaking up great conversations, mini-trips, enjoying delish food and a host of other things.  I simply L.O.V.E vacation.  It is something that I plan for many months in advance.  I think about where I should go, when, how long I want to stay.  My favorite vacation spot that I first went to 4 years ago is Oregon. I truly love going there. Have you ever been somewhere and just felt like you belonged?

The first time I ever went to Oregon I cried leaving because for some reason I just felt like my heart was captured by the beauty of Oregon from it's coast-line to the mountains to the easy-going people.  Over the past I have discovered my love for the outdoors from the coast to the mountains and everything in between. 

I've always been a girl that loves being outside, but never knew just how much I enjoy God's creation until I went to Oregon. But all of the nature and sights are not nearly as much fun if you can't enjoy it with others that hold a special place in your heart and it just so happens that I have two families that I am very close with that live in Oregon.  As a matter of fact, one of the families is the reason that I first went out to Oregon back in 2006 after they moved there from Georgia.

They both take me in and treat me like family. 

Thank you to my dear friends, the Unwins and Condellos for always making me feel so loved.  I hope that each of you have people like these in your life...that are more like family than friends.

~Jennifer