Something I love to do is talk and write through things in my life to help me process. Just ask my friends ;) Recently, I've been inspired to pick up blogging again thanks to my good friend, Steve & his blog, as he has picked it up again recently. Over the past 3 weeks my life has been messy. The brutiful (beautiful & brutal all in one) kind of messy. The kind of messy that is at times crushing and other times rejoicing. The kind of messy that leaves you wanting to cry your eyes out and say some choice words. Forgive me as I unpack this some, because I am still in the middle of figuring all of this out. When I say the word messy sometimes I don't know if that is a descriptive enough word. I have been through some of the hardest hours/days/nights/weeks over the past few weeks. The absolute hardest.
A sin was pointed out in my life by one of my very best friends that I love and admire that I know had been mentioned to me before, but I didn't really hear it or grasp that sin and the depths of the hurt that it caused. It was told to me that I am passive aggressive in my life. Just putting that out there for the "whoever will read this" is scary. The thought that I am being this vulnerable with something so deep is scary. Terrifying. So, what does passive aggressive look like in my life? It looks like the way that I respond to people can include ignoring someone, being abrupt with how I respond, showing resistance, saying "it's ok" or "I'm ok" when I'm really not, not being honest with others about how I feel...you name it I'm sure I've done it. When I finally took the time to look at what it means to be passive aggressive I wanted to cry because I realized just how poisonous my behavior and sin was in my life. It actually made me sick to read about it.
I truly don't know where this behavior came from in my life, but something that I have discovered through being more self-aware is that it comes from a place of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted/loved, fear of missing out, etc. I would believe the lies that Satan was telling me and therefore, that would translate into me being very passive aggressive towards those I loved and worked closest with.
I can honestly say that I have not been this broken over a sin in my 15 years of being a Christian. As a result of this sin, I was so far from God. Thinking that I could do this life on my own. Ha...was I wrong or what?!?! One of the verses that has been a source of encouragement during this time is from Exodus 14:14 and it says, "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still". I feel like through this revelation I have been still more than I have been in my life. I am like a broken clay pot, waiting for the Potter to mold me and put my pieces back together in a way that reflects Him.
The Lord really does love those He disciplines. It sounds crazy, I know, but it's true. He cares so much for us that he breaks us and then puts us back together to reflect His love. Some of the great things that have come about by me acknowledging this in my life is that I'm learning to be real & vulnerable with those around me. I'm learning what it looks like to be joyful in all circumstances. I'm learning to fall in love with Jesus again.
Another thing I'm learning is that I was in desperate need for Jesus. I'm spending more time with Him in worship, prayer, studying His word and journaling then I have in years and it is like a water running through my life. I don't want it to stop. I never want to go back to how I was. I trust that God is working through me and in me...I will continue to walk this road with Him. In Isaiah 53:4a it says, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows". Jesus is carrying us through all of our lives. He shoulders our griefs and took the weight of them off of us and onto Himself. What a huge thing to try and grasp. Jesus is healing me through this process. It is not fast or painless, but He is faithful. He cares about us---inside and out, good and bad, happy and sad. He cares. I love this line from my devotion about this verse..."He went to the cross carrying our griefs and sorrows in order to be able to support us, strengthen us, help us and heal us. Allow Him to today." Amen.
~Jenga
Hi, i am a p navin. Jenga, be happy and have a normal life. Remember its the whole society and world your part of, soo because your part of the whole bad comes from others and bad thoughts come. It is ok to be you, just be good concisiously thats all. Dont worry about bad you do. Till you belive in god and good and at any moment of your life you listen to the inner voice which warns n talks good, listen to that good voice. frankly life is very complicated because of everything but your relationship is with god and i feel your soul. Your a good person just be normal and have normal days, rotini life, your good. chill. your a good person from what you have written. dont worry too much. if your a student study and dont think beyond that. You are good.
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