Monday, June 2, 2014

10 long weeks

I want to go ahead and acknowledge the randomness & scatter-brained blog below...I think my heart is just a little vulnerable and raw tonight, which equals randomness ;)

I am one of those girls that tends to cement important dates or events in my mind.  Whatever the memory is I somehow keep these details locked up in a filing type of system in my brain.  Usually, to have those types of memories locked up hasn't proven to be the best for me because Satan uses those to either bring me down or make me feel bad about myself.  (I'm trying more recently to BE PRESENT and a byproduct of that...I hope...is to start having more happy memories in those filing cabinets that will outnumber the yuck memories.)  At any rate, one of those memories is that 10 weeks ago I had a crushing blow.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can read more here.  I messed up.  I hit a real low in my personal, spiritual & emotional life 10 weeks ago that impacted many people, including one of my best friends.  It has been the hardest 10 weeks...70 days...that I have probably been through since becoming a Christian over 15 years ago when I realized the weight of my sin.

I have been so broken over how much I've hurt people in my life that I love.  I know that I'm a work in progress, but most days to be honest that doesn't really help much when I'm hurting so very bad.  When all I want is to have a friendship back that I hurt by being this way.  Most days I don't know what I'm doing.  Most days I am flailing and feeling so raw & vulnerable.  During this time hasn't been all hard as the Lord is working on my heart & my hurts.  He has been showing me new ways to love & be loved.  New ways to embrace the good around me.  Unfortunately, change takes time and these things in my life take A LOT of change as Jesus is picking up my broken pieces.

Just the reality of it being 10 weeks since I've really had a good heart to heart with one of my best friends.  10 weeks since I've felt like my life was normal...but maybe it wasn't normal.  I don't know.  10 weeks where most honestly it has felt like I've been walking through the deepest/loneliest valley I've ever known.  I still don't know most days how to process what I'm feeling, learning or thinking, but I know that the Lord has a great plan for all that I'm going through.  He is in control and I trust Him.  I just want to be faithful to the One that is holding me together.

~Jenga