10 long weeks

I want to go ahead and acknowledge the randomness & scatter-brained blog below...I think my heart is just a little vulnerable and raw tonight, which equals randomness ;)

I am one of those girls that tends to cement important dates or events in my mind.  Whatever the memory is I somehow keep these details locked up in a filing type of system in my brain.  Usually, to have those types of memories locked up hasn't proven to be the best for me because Satan uses those to either bring me down or make me feel bad about myself.  (I'm trying more recently to BE PRESENT and a byproduct of that...I hope...is to start having more happy memories in those filing cabinets that will outnumber the yuck memories.)  At any rate, one of those memories is that 10 weeks ago I had a crushing blow.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can read more here.  I messed up.  I hit a real low in my personal, spiritual & emotional life 10 weeks ago that impacted many people, including one of my best friends.  It has been the hardest 10 weeks...70 days...that I have probably been through since becoming a Christian over 15 years ago when I realized the weight of my sin.

I have been so broken over how much I've hurt people in my life that I love.  I know that I'm a work in progress, but most days to be honest that doesn't really help much when I'm hurting so very bad.  When all I want is to have a friendship back that I hurt by being this way.  Most days I don't know what I'm doing.  Most days I am flailing and feeling so raw & vulnerable.  During this time hasn't been all hard as the Lord is working on my heart & my hurts.  He has been showing me new ways to love & be loved.  New ways to embrace the good around me.  Unfortunately, change takes time and these things in my life take A LOT of change as Jesus is picking up my broken pieces.

Just the reality of it being 10 weeks since I've really had a good heart to heart with one of my best friends.  10 weeks since I've felt like my life was normal...but maybe it wasn't normal.  I don't know.  10 weeks where most honestly it has felt like I've been walking through the deepest/loneliest valley I've ever known.  I still don't know most days how to process what I'm feeling, learning or thinking, but I know that the Lord has a great plan for all that I'm going through.  He is in control and I trust Him.  I just want to be faithful to the One that is holding me together.

~Jenga

"Don't be so hard on yourself..."

Have you ever been going through a challenging day and God uses someone or something to point you straight to Him?  I had one of those moments today.  It was a very hard day.  I struggled a lot with many tears, pain and other things that have come as a result of sin that I talked about in this previous post.  As I was in the middle of the struggle, I felt like God wanted me to read Jesus Calling for today.  I don't read Jesus Calling every day, but when I felt like the Holy Spirit wants me to do something I knew I needed to do it.  I wanted to write it out for you today.  You may be struggling with mistakes that you have made in your past and beating yourself up over them.  I know I do that, but I hope that this is an encouragement for you...one that I'm sure I will have to keep coming back to.

May 9th...Jesus Calling--Don't be so hard on yourself.  I can bring good even out of your mistakes.  Your finite mind tends to look backward, longing to undo decisions you have come to regret.  This is a waste of time and energy, leading only to frustration.  Instead of floundering in the past, release your mistakes to Me.  Look to Me in trust, anticipating that My infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design.  Because you are human, you will continue to make mistakes.  Thinking that you should live an error-free life is symptomatic of pride.  Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in their weaknesses.  Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me.  I am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes.  Trust Me, and watch to see what I will do. (Romans 8:28; Micah 7:7)

Jesus CAN and WILL bring good out of my mistakes.  I have to trust that my failings and the things I'm going through can give me empathy for other people in their weaknesses, which I can attest to...it totally has.  I have so much to learn...but I have to remember to not be so hard on myself.

Giving up on being perfect

All my life I've been the kid who has always striven for being perfect.  I am the first born and carried the responsibility of pleasing my parents all the way into adulthood.  In school, I worked hard to get the best grades so that my parents would think I was perfect.  I would literally get so worked up about schoolwork or tests and the need to be perfect that I would make myself sick.  For too long in my life, I tried to be perfect and make the appearance that everything was ok because that is what we tell ourselves, right?  In order to be accepted by others we have to talk perfect, look perfect, and for sure don't let others see our sin because then they would know we aren't perfect.

Well, I've decided that trying to be perfect is not attainable anymore for me.  I can't keep striving to be something I'm not meant to be.  I want to be comfortable in my imperfections.  I want to be comfortable with the fact that sometimes I talk too fast to the point that others don't understand my words.  I want to be comfortable with the fact that I screw up and if someone knows that...it's ok.  It isn't easy for me to come to terms with the fact that I'm not perfect.  I know it is something that I will battle for a long time, but I've learned in the past few weeks that part of the healing process is learning to be ok with me.

I feel like the more that I trust in Jesus, the more I become ok with the fact that I'm not perfect.  I've learned that He loves me despite my imperfections and that it is ok for other people to know that I am not perfect.  Please know that this is a process that I am/will fail on, but I am working on changing this in my life.  I want to be ok with the imperfect person that I am...because Jesus loves me.

Does anyone else feel like they are having to be perfect?  How did you change that striving in you?

~Jenga