Giving up on being perfect

All my life I've been the kid who has always striven for being perfect.  I am the first born and carried the responsibility of pleasing my parents all the way into adulthood.  In school, I worked hard to get the best grades so that my parents would think I was perfect.  I would literally get so worked up about schoolwork or tests and the need to be perfect that I would make myself sick.  For too long in my life, I tried to be perfect and make the appearance that everything was ok because that is what we tell ourselves, right?  In order to be accepted by others we have to talk perfect, look perfect, and for sure don't let others see our sin because then they would know we aren't perfect.

Well, I've decided that trying to be perfect is not attainable anymore for me.  I can't keep striving to be something I'm not meant to be.  I want to be comfortable in my imperfections.  I want to be comfortable with the fact that sometimes I talk too fast to the point that others don't understand my words.  I want to be comfortable with the fact that I screw up and if someone knows that...it's ok.  It isn't easy for me to come to terms with the fact that I'm not perfect.  I know it is something that I will battle for a long time, but I've learned in the past few weeks that part of the healing process is learning to be ok with me.

I feel like the more that I trust in Jesus, the more I become ok with the fact that I'm not perfect.  I've learned that He loves me despite my imperfections and that it is ok for other people to know that I am not perfect.  Please know that this is a process that I am/will fail on, but I am working on changing this in my life.  I want to be ok with the imperfect person that I am...because Jesus loves me.

Does anyone else feel like they are having to be perfect?  How did you change that striving in you?

~Jenga

Life is Messy...mine included

Something I love to do is talk and write through things in my life to help me process.  Just ask my friends ;) Recently, I've been inspired to pick up blogging again thanks to my good friend, Steve & his blog, as he has picked it up again recently.  Over the past 3 weeks my life has been messy.  The brutiful (beautiful & brutal all in one) kind of messy. The kind of messy that is at times crushing and other times rejoicing.  The kind of messy that leaves you wanting to cry your eyes out and say some choice words.  Forgive me as I unpack this some, because I am still in the middle of figuring all of this out.  When I say the word messy sometimes I don't know if that is a descriptive enough word.  I have been through some of the hardest hours/days/nights/weeks over the past few weeks.  The absolute hardest.

A sin was pointed out in my life by one of my very best friends that I love and admire that I know had been mentioned to me before, but I didn't really hear it or grasp that sin and the depths of the hurt that it caused.  It was told to me that I am passive aggressive in my life.  Just putting that out there for the "whoever will read this" is scary.  The thought that I am being this vulnerable with something so deep is scary.  Terrifying.  So, what does passive aggressive look like in my life?  It looks like the way that I respond to people can include ignoring someone, being abrupt with how I respond, showing resistance, saying "it's ok" or "I'm ok" when I'm really not, not being honest with others about how I feel...you name it I'm sure I've done it.  When I finally took the time to look at what it means to be passive aggressive I wanted to cry because I realized just how poisonous my behavior and sin was in my life.  It actually made me sick to read about it.

I truly don't know where this behavior came from in my life, but something that I have discovered through being more self-aware is that it comes from a place of fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted/loved, fear of missing out, etc.  I would believe the lies that Satan was telling me and therefore, that would translate into me being very passive aggressive towards those I loved and worked closest with.

I can honestly say that I have not been this broken over a sin in my 15 years of being a Christian.  As a result of this sin, I was so far from God.  Thinking that I could do this life on my own.  Ha...was I wrong or what?!?!  One of the verses that has been a source of encouragement during this time is from Exodus 14:14 and it says, "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".  I feel like through this revelation I have been still more than I have been in my life.  I am like a broken clay pot, waiting for the Potter to mold me and put my pieces back together in a way that reflects Him.

The Lord really does love those He disciplines.  It sounds crazy, I know, but it's true.  He cares so much for us that he breaks us and then puts us back together to reflect His love.  Some of the great things that have come about by me acknowledging this in my life is that I'm learning to be real & vulnerable with those around me.  I'm learning what it looks like to be joyful in all circumstances.  I'm learning to fall in love with Jesus again.  

Another thing I'm learning is that I was in desperate need for Jesus.  I'm spending more time with Him in worship, prayer, studying His word and journaling then I have in years and it is like a water running through my life.  I don't want it to stop.  I never want to go back to how I was.  I trust that God is working through me and in me...I will continue to walk this road with Him.  In Isaiah 53:4a it says, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows".  Jesus is carrying us through all of our lives.  He shoulders our griefs and took the weight of them off of us and onto Himself.  What a huge thing to try and grasp.  Jesus is healing me through this process.  It is not fast or painless, but He is faithful.  He cares about us---inside and out, good and bad, happy and sad.  He cares.  I love this line from my devotion about this verse..."He went to the cross carrying our griefs and sorrows in order to be able to support us, strengthen us, help us and heal us.  Allow Him to today."  Amen.

~Jenga

A little about me...

I want to use this post to tell you a little about me :)  My name is Jennifer and I was born, raised and now live in Atlanta, Georgia.  I grew up a relatively normal child with two parents, a sister and a brother.  At the age of 19 my parents got a divorce and it caused me to question so much about my life.  During this hard time and even before, I can now look back and see God's hand at work in my life through my circumstances and my friends.  The Lord knew who I would need to help me through this very difficult time. 

About a year and a half after my parents got a divorce, I realized my utter and desperate need for a Savior and He drew me to himself on January 16, 1999 I surrendered my life.  Since that time I've contined to have challenges, but I know that He has always been right by my side.  I now live in a suburb of Atlanta and work in the area too.  I love soccer, the smell of fresh cut grass, seeing my family, spending time with my friends (near and far), chocolate...especially dark chocolate, beaches, mountains, and really anything outdoors. I definitely do not understand everything, but am glad to follow the one who does. 

Do you have any questions for me?  Anything you want to know about me??  Feel free to ask and I will answer!  Since I'm just starting this adventure, I'm sure that I am missing something :)

~Jennifer