Vulnerability

What does the word vulnerability or to be vulnerable mean to you?  Just the word used to stir unrest and fear in my heart.  I would shutter (& still do some times) at the thought of being honest & real with people.  My introverted personality wants to run and hide.  And trust me...I've done that more times than I'd like to admit.  As my eyes and heart have been opened to sin in my life, I've been reading and discussing things from my life that will help me process all these issues with friends & others.  One of those things being what does it look like to be vulnerable...for me to be vulnerable.  In her book, Daring Greatly, author Brené Brown, defines vulnerability "as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure".  If we are really honest that definition is so true.  I've always felt so vulnerable sharing a part of my heart/life and being uncertain how it will be received.  There is great risk in sharing a part of you that either may not be understood or accepted by the one you are sharing it with.  And that exposes you to hurt, but it also opens up your heart for that person to love you even more.  To show you grace when you may not show yourself grace.  To love you for you.  To be known and to be loved is one of those places that gives great comfort & safety.

The more that I digest what it looks like for me to be vulnerable, I think the word that goes hand in hand is courage or bravery.  When someone is vulnerable with you and shares something about themselves or is just being honest (which is a part of learning to be vulnerable), they are being brave by offering up a part of themselves to you.  As I walk this road and learn to be more vulnerable with those around me, may I remember to show love, grace & mercy as people are opening themselves up to me just as I am doing with them, because I know how much courage that takes.  This is done by being a good listener, by showing care & being a safe place for your friend, co-worker, family member...whoever to share and be vulnerable with their heart.

So...what does the word vulnerability or to be vulnerable mean to you?

~Jenga

Grace...what a word!

As I've been processing through the sin that was pointed out to me and that I talked about in my last post,  I am quickly learning that I do not give myself grace.  A lot of the times I do not know if I feel worthy of giving myself grace when I screw up, but I always try and give other people grace or forgiveness when I have been wronged.  I definitely am not perfect at this all the time.  But I do acknowledge that I do not give myself grace or forgive myself as quickly.  Why do we as the human race hold our sins over us?

We all know that Christ died for each and every one of our sins.  It doesn't give us the green light to constantly sin, but to know that when we do sin He has borne that sin upon him.  He carries that weight for us.

As I wrestle through and dig deep through trying to figure out how to be better at giving myself grace & forgiveness especially in light of my shortcomings, I think it will come from a overflow of my acknowledging what Jesus did for me on the cross and how much He loves me...you...us.  I love this verse...

"For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Cor. 5:21

Don't you just love that it starts out...for our sake?  He sent His son who was the spotless lamb to be sin so that we as flawed humans like me could be right with God.  I need to learn to forgive more often and give grace to not only others in a bigger way, but to myself too.

~Jenga

Life is Messy...mine included

Something I love to do is talk and write through things in my life to help me process.  Just ask my friends ;) Recently, I've been inspired to pick up blogging again thanks to my good friend, Steve & his blog, as he has picked it up again recently.  Over the past 3 weeks my life has been messy.  The brutiful (beautiful & brutal all in one) kind of messy. The kind of messy that is at times crushing and other times rejoicing.  The kind of messy that leaves you wanting to cry your eyes out and say some choice words.  Forgive me as I unpack this some, because I am still in the middle of figuring all of this out.  When I say the word messy sometimes I don't know if that is a descriptive enough word.  I have been through some of the hardest hours/days/nights/weeks over the past few weeks.  The absolute hardest.

A sin was pointed out in my life by one of my very best friends that I love and admire that I know had been mentioned to me before, but I didn't really hear it or grasp that sin and the depths of the hurt that it caused.  It was told to me that I am passive aggressive in my life.  Just putting that out there for the "whoever will read this" is scary.  The thought that I am being this vulnerable with something so deep is scary.  Terrifying.  So, what does passive aggressive look like in my life?  It looks like the way that I respond to people can include ignoring someone, being abrupt with how I respond, showing resistance, saying "it's ok" or "I'm ok" when I'm really not, not being honest with others about how I feel...you name it I'm sure I've done it.  When I finally took the time to look at what it means to be passive aggressive I wanted to cry because I realized just how poisonous my behavior and sin was in my life.  It actually made me sick to read about it.

I truly don't know where this behavior came from in my life, but something that I have discovered through being more self-aware is that it comes from a place of fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted/loved, fear of missing out, etc.  I would believe the lies that Satan was telling me and therefore, that would translate into me being very passive aggressive towards those I loved and worked closest with.

I can honestly say that I have not been this broken over a sin in my 15 years of being a Christian.  As a result of this sin, I was so far from God.  Thinking that I could do this life on my own.  Ha...was I wrong or what?!?!  One of the verses that has been a source of encouragement during this time is from Exodus 14:14 and it says, "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".  I feel like through this revelation I have been still more than I have been in my life.  I am like a broken clay pot, waiting for the Potter to mold me and put my pieces back together in a way that reflects Him.

The Lord really does love those He disciplines.  It sounds crazy, I know, but it's true.  He cares so much for us that he breaks us and then puts us back together to reflect His love.  Some of the great things that have come about by me acknowledging this in my life is that I'm learning to be real & vulnerable with those around me.  I'm learning what it looks like to be joyful in all circumstances.  I'm learning to fall in love with Jesus again.  

Another thing I'm learning is that I was in desperate need for Jesus.  I'm spending more time with Him in worship, prayer, studying His word and journaling then I have in years and it is like a water running through my life.  I don't want it to stop.  I never want to go back to how I was.  I trust that God is working through me and in me...I will continue to walk this road with Him.  In Isaiah 53:4a it says, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows".  Jesus is carrying us through all of our lives.  He shoulders our griefs and took the weight of them off of us and onto Himself.  What a huge thing to try and grasp.  Jesus is healing me through this process.  It is not fast or painless, but He is faithful.  He cares about us---inside and out, good and bad, happy and sad.  He cares.  I love this line from my devotion about this verse..."He went to the cross carrying our griefs and sorrows in order to be able to support us, strengthen us, help us and heal us.  Allow Him to today."  Amen.

~Jenga

I heart football...



Today, I got the awesome opportunity to go to my first ever UGA football game.  This was a dream come true for this Georgia girl.  I grew up hearing all about the Dawgs and actually wanted to go to the school, until I visited in high school and saw how big it was.  Too big for this chica!  Anywho, one of my roommates and friends, Amy, got 2 free tickets and invited me to go with her.  Despite the morning weather being absolutely freezing it turned out to be a beautiful day.  One that included blue skies, lots of sun, Georgia football and laughs :)   It was a great day!  Here are a few pics of the day...enjoy!  When is the last time you did something that you've either never done or have always been looking forward to?

~Jennifer

It's been a while friend...

I realized the other day how long it has been since I last updated my blog. Sorry about that! Life has been really crazy these past few weeks at work & is just going to get a more insane over the next few months ;). Bare with me as I do want to keep writing, but I have to learn to carve time out to do it. I look forward to figuring out more about how I want to use this space as a place to put my heart in words & also to hopefully encourage y'all ;)

~Jennifer

I wanna be debt freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Well, as of last Sunday I have offically decided to start taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University class.  A little background on me...growing up my parents weren't very good with their money, so I never really saw how to stay out of debt and save for a future.  Subsequently, I came out of college with a large student loan and a credit card that I was told to get so that I can purchase things when I don't have money.  Seriously??  If I didn't have money, I should've just walked away, but what did I know.

I've known about Dave & his radio show for about 6 years, but finally this year I got tired of always having the head knowledge, but never reducing my debt completely.  So when my church advertised that they were offering it as a small group class I decided that this would be the best time.  They have this thing called the baby steps in which it gives you a step by step list of what you need to be doing in order to reduce debt and build wealth in the correct order.  It really is common sense, but it is amazing what happens when you have accountability whether it be through a class, spouse or friend in order to get rid of debt.  I hope to learn more about myself in relation to money, but also to dump some debt and hopefully be completely debt free in the next 24 months.  This goal is very important to me and I can't wait to see the debt slowly come down. 

Have any of y'all ever tried to get rid of debt?  Have you had any success?  I'd love to hear about it!

~Jennifer

A Wig, Heels and a Party Dress

One of my favorite shows of all-time is Alias which aired for 5 seasons from 2001 to 2006. I still remember watching my first episode at Michelle & Steve's house & thinking I really don't see what all this hoopla is for. Why in the world would someone want to watch someone jump over things exploding while wearing a wig, 4 inch heels & a party dress.

But the more I watched it & the more I was drawn into the story of the horizon, rambaldi & all his prophecies & the role Sydney Bristow played in the whole thing. If I'm perfectly honest I'd have to admit that I really want to be her. She has this amazing ability to look so cool while kicking butt, saving the world and landing the man of her dreams (oh Michael Vaughn...how I heart you). Now who else can do that?!?!

I think something that is so interesting is how often times in our lives we desire so much to be someone different than we are.  Does that make sense?  I am totally this way.  I often wish that I was dating someone like one of my friends, or married to the man of my dreams or that I would have kids that I could be a mother to.  However, at this time the Lord has asked me to be faithful in what I am doing at this moment.  That I am to wait on what is next, even though being patient and waiting isn't necessarily a quality I possess, but know the Lord is faithful.

Whatever the situation that you may find yourself in, just know that others have felt the same.  At some point we all wish that we were in a different place in life or that we could put on a wig, heels and a cute dress and be someone different than who we are in "normal" life.  Just trust in the One that holds all of our pieces together for our good.  What do you think?  Do you see yourself wishing at different times in your life to be someone else or be somewhere else in life?  How do you handle the waiting?

~Jennifer