Giving up on being perfect

All my life I've been the kid who has always striven for being perfect.  I am the first born and carried the responsibility of pleasing my parents all the way into adulthood.  In school, I worked hard to get the best grades so that my parents would think I was perfect.  I would literally get so worked up about schoolwork or tests and the need to be perfect that I would make myself sick.  For too long in my life, I tried to be perfect and make the appearance that everything was ok because that is what we tell ourselves, right?  In order to be accepted by others we have to talk perfect, look perfect, and for sure don't let others see our sin because then they would know we aren't perfect.

Well, I've decided that trying to be perfect is not attainable anymore for me.  I can't keep striving to be something I'm not meant to be.  I want to be comfortable in my imperfections.  I want to be comfortable with the fact that sometimes I talk too fast to the point that others don't understand my words.  I want to be comfortable with the fact that I screw up and if someone knows that...it's ok.  It isn't easy for me to come to terms with the fact that I'm not perfect.  I know it is something that I will battle for a long time, but I've learned in the past few weeks that part of the healing process is learning to be ok with me.

I feel like the more that I trust in Jesus, the more I become ok with the fact that I'm not perfect.  I've learned that He loves me despite my imperfections and that it is ok for other people to know that I am not perfect.  Please know that this is a process that I am/will fail on, but I am working on changing this in my life.  I want to be ok with the imperfect person that I am...because Jesus loves me.

Does anyone else feel like they are having to be perfect?  How did you change that striving in you?

~Jenga

Words

A few years ago I was in the car with my old roomies driving back from Florida and heard "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North.  I remember hearing the words and knowing that my heart connected with the song.  Most of life I've connected deeply through music and in the past few years I've really started to pay more attention to the words in the songs.  If you've never heard this song before, please take a few minutes and listen to them.  They are powerful.

As this song has come back to mind over and again, I love the line in this song: "When you come to where you are broken within The light meets the dark".  This one line couldn't be more true to where I've been.  I was and am still so broken, but I've noticed that when I've been in those dark moments, the light from Jesus really does shine down through music, His word, journaling or other people.  We have such a great responsibility as believers and people that want to love on others with our words and actions.

Words have the ability to give life or death to people.  I've learned in the past few weeks just how much my words mean and impact those around me.  As I continue to walk this road of healing & restoration, I'm trying to be more observant of my words and how they come across to others.  I never intentionally want my words to cause someone else pain or hurt.  I've seen what that causes and it is a deep deep sadness & pain.

As I continue to grow in my knowledge of Jesus, I'm trusting Him to make my heart sensitive to Him and the more time I spend with Him, I'm convinced the more He will spill out of me through my words and life.  May this broken vessel be used by Jesus.

~Jenga

Vulnerability

What does the word vulnerability or to be vulnerable mean to you?  Just the word used to stir unrest and fear in my heart.  I would shutter (& still do some times) at the thought of being honest & real with people.  My introverted personality wants to run and hide.  And trust me...I've done that more times than I'd like to admit.  As my eyes and heart have been opened to sin in my life, I've been reading and discussing things from my life that will help me process all these issues with friends & others.  One of those things being what does it look like to be vulnerable...for me to be vulnerable.  In her book, Daring Greatly, author Brené Brown, defines vulnerability "as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure".  If we are really honest that definition is so true.  I've always felt so vulnerable sharing a part of my heart/life and being uncertain how it will be received.  There is great risk in sharing a part of you that either may not be understood or accepted by the one you are sharing it with.  And that exposes you to hurt, but it also opens up your heart for that person to love you even more.  To show you grace when you may not show yourself grace.  To love you for you.  To be known and to be loved is one of those places that gives great comfort & safety.

The more that I digest what it looks like for me to be vulnerable, I think the word that goes hand in hand is courage or bravery.  When someone is vulnerable with you and shares something about themselves or is just being honest (which is a part of learning to be vulnerable), they are being brave by offering up a part of themselves to you.  As I walk this road and learn to be more vulnerable with those around me, may I remember to show love, grace & mercy as people are opening themselves up to me just as I am doing with them, because I know how much courage that takes.  This is done by being a good listener, by showing care & being a safe place for your friend, co-worker, family member...whoever to share and be vulnerable with their heart.

So...what does the word vulnerability or to be vulnerable mean to you?

~Jenga

Grace...what a word!

As I've been processing through the sin that was pointed out to me and that I talked about in my last post,  I am quickly learning that I do not give myself grace.  A lot of the times I do not know if I feel worthy of giving myself grace when I screw up, but I always try and give other people grace or forgiveness when I have been wronged.  I definitely am not perfect at this all the time.  But I do acknowledge that I do not give myself grace or forgive myself as quickly.  Why do we as the human race hold our sins over us?

We all know that Christ died for each and every one of our sins.  It doesn't give us the green light to constantly sin, but to know that when we do sin He has borne that sin upon him.  He carries that weight for us.

As I wrestle through and dig deep through trying to figure out how to be better at giving myself grace & forgiveness especially in light of my shortcomings, I think it will come from a overflow of my acknowledging what Jesus did for me on the cross and how much He loves me...you...us.  I love this verse...

"For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Cor. 5:21

Don't you just love that it starts out...for our sake?  He sent His son who was the spotless lamb to be sin so that we as flawed humans like me could be right with God.  I need to learn to forgive more often and give grace to not only others in a bigger way, but to myself too.

~Jenga

Life is Messy...mine included

Something I love to do is talk and write through things in my life to help me process.  Just ask my friends ;) Recently, I've been inspired to pick up blogging again thanks to my good friend, Steve & his blog, as he has picked it up again recently.  Over the past 3 weeks my life has been messy.  The brutiful (beautiful & brutal all in one) kind of messy. The kind of messy that is at times crushing and other times rejoicing.  The kind of messy that leaves you wanting to cry your eyes out and say some choice words.  Forgive me as I unpack this some, because I am still in the middle of figuring all of this out.  When I say the word messy sometimes I don't know if that is a descriptive enough word.  I have been through some of the hardest hours/days/nights/weeks over the past few weeks.  The absolute hardest.

A sin was pointed out in my life by one of my very best friends that I love and admire that I know had been mentioned to me before, but I didn't really hear it or grasp that sin and the depths of the hurt that it caused.  It was told to me that I am passive aggressive in my life.  Just putting that out there for the "whoever will read this" is scary.  The thought that I am being this vulnerable with something so deep is scary.  Terrifying.  So, what does passive aggressive look like in my life?  It looks like the way that I respond to people can include ignoring someone, being abrupt with how I respond, showing resistance, saying "it's ok" or "I'm ok" when I'm really not, not being honest with others about how I feel...you name it I'm sure I've done it.  When I finally took the time to look at what it means to be passive aggressive I wanted to cry because I realized just how poisonous my behavior and sin was in my life.  It actually made me sick to read about it.

I truly don't know where this behavior came from in my life, but something that I have discovered through being more self-aware is that it comes from a place of fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted/loved, fear of missing out, etc.  I would believe the lies that Satan was telling me and therefore, that would translate into me being very passive aggressive towards those I loved and worked closest with.

I can honestly say that I have not been this broken over a sin in my 15 years of being a Christian.  As a result of this sin, I was so far from God.  Thinking that I could do this life on my own.  Ha...was I wrong or what?!?!  One of the verses that has been a source of encouragement during this time is from Exodus 14:14 and it says, "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".  I feel like through this revelation I have been still more than I have been in my life.  I am like a broken clay pot, waiting for the Potter to mold me and put my pieces back together in a way that reflects Him.

The Lord really does love those He disciplines.  It sounds crazy, I know, but it's true.  He cares so much for us that he breaks us and then puts us back together to reflect His love.  Some of the great things that have come about by me acknowledging this in my life is that I'm learning to be real & vulnerable with those around me.  I'm learning what it looks like to be joyful in all circumstances.  I'm learning to fall in love with Jesus again.  

Another thing I'm learning is that I was in desperate need for Jesus.  I'm spending more time with Him in worship, prayer, studying His word and journaling then I have in years and it is like a water running through my life.  I don't want it to stop.  I never want to go back to how I was.  I trust that God is working through me and in me...I will continue to walk this road with Him.  In Isaiah 53:4a it says, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows".  Jesus is carrying us through all of our lives.  He shoulders our griefs and took the weight of them off of us and onto Himself.  What a huge thing to try and grasp.  Jesus is healing me through this process.  It is not fast or painless, but He is faithful.  He cares about us---inside and out, good and bad, happy and sad.  He cares.  I love this line from my devotion about this verse..."He went to the cross carrying our griefs and sorrows in order to be able to support us, strengthen us, help us and heal us.  Allow Him to today."  Amen.

~Jenga

I heart football...



Today, I got the awesome opportunity to go to my first ever UGA football game.  This was a dream come true for this Georgia girl.  I grew up hearing all about the Dawgs and actually wanted to go to the school, until I visited in high school and saw how big it was.  Too big for this chica!  Anywho, one of my roommates and friends, Amy, got 2 free tickets and invited me to go with her.  Despite the morning weather being absolutely freezing it turned out to be a beautiful day.  One that included blue skies, lots of sun, Georgia football and laughs :)   It was a great day!  Here are a few pics of the day...enjoy!  When is the last time you did something that you've either never done or have always been looking forward to?

~Jennifer

It's been a while friend...

I realized the other day how long it has been since I last updated my blog. Sorry about that! Life has been really crazy these past few weeks at work & is just going to get a more insane over the next few months ;). Bare with me as I do want to keep writing, but I have to learn to carve time out to do it. I look forward to figuring out more about how I want to use this space as a place to put my heart in words & also to hopefully encourage y'all ;)

~Jennifer